It’s like whatever a total bummer and stuff!

A U of M Griz football player was recently accused of sodomizing a Grizzly bear, symbol of our national heritage and sanctity of freedom and the ferocity of the American West.  He will receive a stern talking-to from Coach Pflugrad.  No legal action is expected.

The University of Montana took the only logical step recently and declared its independence from the United States of America.  As a result locals have been encouraged to seek higher education while living out their fantasies in a Vegas-like Legal Vacuum.  The University Registraar has never been busier, and new enrollment has never been higher. [...]

Approximately 1 million Montanans are currently engaging in the largest X Games Expo ever.  They are playing such games as:  Black ice pants crapping, Extreme liver torturing, Cabin fever spousal bludgeoning, Chairlift ganja toking, Frostbite ice fishin, Blackout sled wreckin, and my own personal favorite, Hungover windshield scrapin.

Sherry Devlin recently confided to the Jabberwocky news staff that “Every single Missoulian article is based on a very simple premise.  Available nouns are:  Monte, Griz football player, the Mayor, super hot Freshman UM chick, billybob Bitterrooter, Trustifarians, and random Jabberwocky News reporter.  Available verbs are:  had sex with, bludgeoned with a Growler, got naked [...]

January 16th 2012, better known as Martin Luther King Jr. Day, was not a good one to Thomas “Tommy” Kincaid. He was on his third date with his would-be girlfriend Amy when he saw an African American woman “getting it on” with the salad bar. Amy,  10 pounds over her ideal weight, would not let the [...]

by Cat in the Sand Box Johnny “Freedom” McDeebag will be arrested at the recent storming of the vacant lot; which was supposed to be home to the new Occupy Wall Street movement.  That misdemeanor will prevent Johnny from ever making more than 20% more than minimum wage.  His highest economic destination will be assistant [...]

by T. Bone The Office of the Surgeon General announced, in an emergency conference yesterday, that a new genetically modified spices of Christmas trees has been introduced to the market this year, and the attacks on families will not be tolerated. The General, in full military dress, pulled his saber and announced a recall of [...]

by Cheshire Cat A recent poll shows that 92.3% of Missoulians inwardly, secretly, candidly can’t fukkin stand the Griz in any shape way or form.  National exposure ain’t always a good thing…

by Lush Rimbaugh This fall the University of Montana has replaced the academic suite Blackboard with a new online resource: Moodle.  While the change brings a new, cheaper, more user-friendly interface to online operations at the university, it has also induced an unforeseen racial discrimination lawsuit.  The program Blackboard has declared this to be a [...]

by Cheshire Cat The Poverello relocation team spent hundreds of frustrating hours trying to find their ideal new home before looking for outside help.  None of the locations chosen were acceptable to all of the public interest groups, parents, business owners, and other interested parties.  Finally a consultant data mining firm was hired. The new [...]

by Cheshire Cat The Missoula High Council recently met with Jabberwocky News to layout their plans to leftify the otherwise totally ignorant and useless Montana populace.  “Our plan was to literally pry the guns from their cold, dead hands,” we were told in a recent interview. A recent breakthrough prevented the need for such a [...]

by T.J. Grover Sales at the Wal-Mart Supercenter on Mullan Road are suffering, and for once it’s not because of the waste refinement plant nearby. Shopping in the music/electronics department has been an adventure to say the least, as customers have noticed the ghost of a cat wandering the aisles.  The cat is being accused [...]

For the first time ever we will be providing some helpful hints for new freshman. Here you go. Helpful College Hints 1. That sock on the doorknob means what you think it means. Your roommate is doing laundry. Don’t be afraid to just walk right in. I’m sure that those funny noises you’re hearing are [...]

If you numbered among the many Missoulians who thought this year’s impressive rainfall and river levels could only be due to an act of God, it turns out you weren’t entirely mistaken. The Federal Deity and Demigod Protection Agency made a surprising coup just outside the Missoula area today, arresting the Greek god Poseidon for [...]

Ever look into the skies at night, audience?  Ever wonder why the stars seem to be communicating with you in some language you have little chance of understanding? Aliens are real.  And they’re involved with the operation of the University of Montana’s financial structure. So when you’re wondering why you’re paying ever-increasing fees to the [...]

The UM Athletic Department ordered all student attendees to the UM-MSU basketball game on Saturday to attend etiquette lessons provided by the University. “The students don’t have to pay to attend but attendance is mandatory,” said athletic director Jim O’Day, “the student’s conduct on Saturday was just miserable, I could distinctly hear several swear words [...]

UM Directory of Safety Frank Kaminski recently addressed worried parents over the issue of binge eating. Concern has abounded about the recent rash of binge eating that has become common among UM students. These reports seem to show a direct correlation between the number of miles a student is away from his/her family and how [...]

Meet our new mascot.  It was the inspired creation by a die hard Jabberwocky News fan.  Thanks, Ma! See it at Rockin Rudy’s in Missoula with the most current issue of Jabberwocky News.  It’s like junk food for the soul.

             After enrolling for 10 credits worth of classes in the University of Montana’s summer school program and attending classes for the first few weeks of the program rising sophomore from Red Hat Montana still wasn’t really getting the point of summer classes. “What is this shit?” Duncan was heard saying to one of his [...]

I’ve always wanted to astral travel. And since Jabberwocky News is making sooo much money, I recently booked a flight with my astral travel agent. After a bumpy ride and some lost luggage I meet up with Sarah Palin on the ethereal plane. There she shed her mortal skin in favor of her preferred garb—Baelzebub, [...]

The Southgate Mall trustee committee made pubic their plans to add Southgate Gardens Senior Assisted Living Community in place of Dillards. Spokes woman, Shila Williams released a memo stating that, “Since no one shops at Dillards any more, this would be a great location.”        The new facility will house 150 seniors with 25 full time [...]

Due the increasing number of old people in Missoula the city government plans to designate a block of Missoula the “Replacement Hip Strip”. The current hip strip an area around 4th and 5th Streets is home to several hip bakeries, breweries, ethnic restaurants and boutiques that seem to attract the younger generation. “We just think [...]

  The music world was shocked yesterday when it was announced that indie electro world pop band Vampire Weekend had their sophomore CD Contra go double platinum. “We just couldn’t believe it,” said Rolling Stone writer Adam Greenberg, “I mean these guys are loved by the hipster scene almost universally and it’s a really well-put [...]

David J. Williamson, www.mtwillie.com, is the winner for our logo competition.  Congratulations and thank you!!!

Verizon has recently settled out of court the charges that excessive cell phone usage causes malignant growths.  Their CEO recently commented to Jabberwocky News.  “Our quality control division has proven beyond the shadow of a doubt that cell phone usage is in no way detrimental to one’s health.  Therefore, it seems simply implausible and downright unfair [...]

“We will be offering 10 dollar voice packages that come with a free pack of Depends”   As of Wednesday Verizon CEO Ivan Seidenberg announced that his company would stop offering complimentary voice service on the companies’ cellphones. This news came only a few days after Verizon announced that they will no longer offer landline [...]

The Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms agency commissioned a massive survey to determine why Montana was leading all 50 states in DUIs per capita.  The results of the survey have not been released publicly; but they were recently obtained by a Jabberwocky News informer (a lickey boom boom down).

Last Wednesday in the UC Food Court, home to many fine eateries, the entire 3rd season of MTV’s hit reality show “The Hill’s” was reenacted by freshman Gayle Shopsky and her “frenemy” Michelle Freedman. “It was amazing to see them go at it,” said Gayle’s off and on again boyfriend Michael Peters, “I mean one [...]

  Noah Johnson, professional actor and amateur seaman, has nearly finished construction on an arc emulating the famous “Noah’s Ark,” a fabled watercraft from the popular bestseller, “the Bible.”  Johnson lives on the shores of Flathead Lake and says he knows that at least 75% of Montana will be underwater within the next several weeks.  [...]

Earlier today, the Men Of the World (MOW) announced that it had finally done the impossible.  No, they hadn’t reached the speed of light, in fact, they had done something even more improbable; understood women.  MOW President Dolph Lundgren, perhaps most popularly known as the Russian who kills Apollo in the Rocky series, states that [...]

 Crime has been on the decline here in Missoula, thanks to a mysterious costumed crusader known only as Passive Aggressive Man.  ”No, it’s not me who’s doing all the work,” he said in an interview Thursday. “It’s totally the cops. They just suddenly know how to do their goddamn jobs.”  Little is known about Passive [...]

As if bums, excessive pollen levels and unpredictable spring weather weren’t enough; Missoula must deal with a new terror.  On the night of Wednesday the 18th, a muskrat the size of a large dog was spotted swimming the Clarkfork.   University student Dan Legless sounded the alarm and commented, “Bro, I was all drunk and [...]

Stanford University just released the compelling results of a five year research project with the conclusion that – yes – the internet is full of assholes.   Most of us might ask: And this is news how?  But Peabody Peabody, the unfortunately named professor that heads all multi-media research at Stanford, defended his project: “Well [...]

             Surprising the entire world Canada’s finalized plans for attacks on the U.S. were leaked to the world press yesterday. These attack plans were apparently in case the United States ever looked like they were going to get into the Zamboni business. The plans included full-scale Mountie attacks as well as coordinated biological warfare, which [...]

Another University of Montana graduation commencement ceremony is behind us, and Jabberwocky News was on campus during the event, collecting nuggets of wisdom from the freshest batch of upwardly mobile college graduates. When asked what the most important thing she learned in college was, graduate Annie Bellbottom gave this reply: “Well, I don’t know about most [...]

Kudos to Lush Rimbaugh for this Pulitzer Prize winning work.  It’s unsurpassed.  I’ve never laughed so hard in my life.  Pure excellence! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h0nbin_VamE

What started out as an ordinary Saturday Farmer’s Market ended up in race riots and international intervention.  It was a busy day for Peter Montgomery; selling hand-picked Cucumbers and drinking homemade Russian potato Vodka.  Exactly 2 hours, a skiff of snow, 20 minutes of sunshine, and three bottles later Vladimir did the unthinkable.  Walking up [...]

  “Separate gym locker rooms violate Brown Vs. Board Of Education”               In a surprising new twist for Congress the United States legislature gave a new Anti-Segregation Bill to President Obama for him to sign. This new bill included a surprising provision that required all locker rooms be integrated. If signed by President Obama [...]

“U.S. history department all up in arms”               World War Three was started during Professor Montgomery’s 300 level Russian when he abruptly decided to attack the neighboring 200 level American history class. This unannounced attack started of a chain reaction of events that led to the third full-blown academic war in the school’s history. The [...]

Local Trustafarian and all-round Douchewad, Patagonia McPherson III, is telling anyone and everyone that will listen that he contributed to the death of Osama Bin Laden.  “That guy is such a Douchewad!” said his roommate of three weeks, Johnny Templeton.  “We were playing Halo 3 ‘till like 6am when we beat the game and crashed [...]

Barak Obama made a startling reveal today: for the past three years of his presidency he has been secretly playing World of Warcraft for twelve hours a day in the White House situation room.   At today’s White House press conference reporters were unusually hushed by Obama’s teary confession: “I started a guild.  It was [...]

Jason Rath, an eighteen year old Missoula native, created waves in international sports today by winning the first ever world cup held for beer pong in Frankfurt, Germany.   The US team traveled to Frankfurt two weeks ago to begin training for the final international competition, which began yesterday morning and continued for twenty-four consecutive [...]

“On a related note a 8th grade boy is overjoyed that high school is nothing like Glee” Sally Weekes, a freshman, was disappointed learn that UM was nothing like her favorite television show Gossip Girl. Gossip Girl, the television show that follows the fictional antics of rich college students in New York’s Upper East Side, [...]

NASA announced startling new plans at the Kubrick Space & Science Summit today: “As you all know, NASA leads the world in extra terrestrial research.  We’ve studied the effects of zero gravity on numerous living organisms, including monkeys, cats, dogs, jelly fish, and even orb weaver spiders.  Our discoveries are always phenomenal: for example, did [...]

Montana Fish, Game and Parks Wardens made an arrest late last night at the Stockman’s Bar in downtown Missoula.  The arrest came after a tip that 2 cow elk had been shot by Bryon Mates, 26, of Missoula. When the Game Wardens arrived at Stockman’s, Bryon was drinking heavily and celebrating his pathetic score on [...]

A man, who wishes to remain anonymous (let’s call him L.R), recently confided in Jabberwocky News that all of the women in his “Spank Bank” were digital.  That’s right, from cartoons to video games, nothing is more alluring to L.R. that pixellated tittilation.  Below are some of his favorite “pinups.”  WARNING!   For mature audiences only!

In 2005, the bird flu caused a worldwide panic. Down pillows and Chicken McNugget sales plummeted. Crowds dwindled at the popular Palenque (cock fighting) rings in Mexico.  Big Bird was euthanized. In 2009, H1N1—or what pig farmers still refuse to call “The Swine Flu”—frightened everyday folks enough to sanitize-sanitize-sanitize their hands like an OCD crackhead [...]

When actor Channing Tatum announced that he would be performing the role of a male stripper in an upcoming Steven Soderbergh film based on his own life experience as a male stripper, three BFFs sitting in the University of Montana UC commons burst out in squeals of shock and awe.  But the biggest shock was [...]

“Waaaaay off,” was how Osama bin Laden described to Jabberwocky News his metaphysical understanding of life in this world and the punishment/rewards in the next one.  He has a full schedule in the afterlife. 12am – 4am… Face is eaten by undead savage lions  4am – 8am… Scrotum is turned inside out, Tabasco hot sauce is smeared [...]

In the last weeks leading up to finals, students of one University of Montana class have been given a free pass for the semester following the unfortunate in-class mental breakdown of the tenured professor Dr. Philly. Dr. Philly apparently suffered a meltdown halfway through his lecture yesterday due to what appeared to be paralyzing guilt-ridden [...]

 “You gotta be fuckin kidding me,” said Superintendent Randy Cline when he showed up to work at the administration office of Frenchtown Public Schools.  His office was gone, along with the entire Elementary, High School, and the newly constructed Junior High.  Even the kick-ass metal signs done by Sean Mecham were gone.  “What can I [...]

“For starters I’m taking “nipple” and “moist” out of the dictionary!” In a recent move by the recently elected majority Republican House Old Ms. Jenkins, your crotchety, probably racist neighbor, was given complete censorship power over everything that gets published in the United States, including all online content. “We think she’s just the person the [...]

In an announcement made by the World Gaming Commission on Monday all players of the Mario Kart video game franchise officially declared Princess Peach of the Mario franchise a slut. “No longer will we idly stand by while Peach does her dirty work”, said head commissioner David Lampard, “no longer will players have to fear [...]

Known for having only two emotions in his acting repertoire, bewilderment and anger, Matrix and Speed star Keanu Reeves recently was seen displaying a new emotion in the trailer for his movie The House On Top of The Mountain. “We’re not quite sure what it is yet,” said Geoff Hagelman, the head of the Screen [...]

Local Missoula Granola “Mooncricket” was recently visited by his future self in what would later be dismissed as a hallucinogenic-induced dream.  The older Mooncricket caught up with the Younger self at the Farmer’s Market selling hand-blown water pipes.  The Younger accusing the Older of lecturing, and you sound like my Dad.  The Older insisted that [...]

Jeddediah McFee, a 10-year Missoula boy, viciously shot and murdered a western meadowlark with a BB gun in his backward today.   State prosecutor Atticus Finch described the murder of any songbird as heinous and sinful, and claimed, “I don’t usually get to prosecute people for homicides upon songbirds.  But this derelict piece of trash [...]

In an all school address after downloading the entire Hip Hop ITunes essentials to his iPod UM President Rocye Engstrom felt compelled to speak his students language. Engstrom wouldn’t come out till the student’s started yelling “bring ‘em out bring ‘em out”. “The game still needs me,” Engstrom said at the beginning of his speech. [...]

Last Monday it was announced by the City of Missoula that construction workers hired to fill in the numerous potholes around the city discovered ancient Mayan gold in several 6th Street potholes. “This is a miraculous discovery,” said Missoula Mayor Engen in a prepared statement, “The crews discovered over 100 pounds of shaped Mayan gold [...]

With Easter fast approaching, leading seasonal confectionary manufacturer Cadbury has ramped up their annual production of chocolate bunny eggs by systematically force feeding billions of genetically-altered chocolate-defecating bunny rabbits.  Last week, however, Cadbury production encountered a serious dilemma due to clandestine attacks in one of their many heavily fortified chocolate egg staging facilities.   An [...]

Consider this, gentle audience:  the next time you spark up on 4/20, it may not actually be in your best interests to do so.  According to a top-secret Pentagon source vacationing somewhere in the Missoula area, local marijuana sharecroppers install tiny nanobots in every pound of wacky tobacco.  It allows local and federal governments to [...]

World renowned Missoula ski lodge, Snowbowl, reported their intention to shutter doors this year, only to reopen again later this year as a world renowned medical marijuana dispensary.   “We conducted some research,” said a Snowbowl representative, “and found that 92% of our repeat season-pass customers are now also card-carrying medicinal marijuana practitioners.  Our cost [...]

Earlier today an unidentified individual suspected to be the University of Montana athletic mascot, Monte, was arrested at Charlie Sheen’s beach-side residence in Malibu Beach, CA.   Police conducted a mid-afternoon narcotics raid on the billion dollar estate, but have not released the identities of those taken into custody.  Eyewitnesses claim to have glimpsed a [...]

The Militia of Montana announced yesterday that they will be upgrading their fighter squadron from the outdated F-16s to brand new F-22s this summer. The outdated F-16s are based at Flathead County Airport and have been patrolling the militia air space since 1991. “The F-16s have served us well, it’s a great jet,” militia fighter [...]

Aliens.  Martians.  Visitors from Outer Space.  Different names, the same fear.  But is that fear relevant?  With 2012 upon us and the end of days approaching, maybe we should be looking forward to the invasion that is, right now, most likely unavoidable.  While at Chicago O’Hare Airport on November 7, 2006, I had the opportunity [...]

Alternate title:  “Do you know how prestigious the Princeton Review is?” After months of intense price comparisons and comparing benefit packages, University of Montana President Dr. Royce Engstrom finally picked Satan as the omnipotent being the class of 2015 would be sold too. “I think we made the best choice for the school and the [...]

On Tuesday the 16th the UM Football team added a controversial amendment to the “slaughter rule”. Before, the rule had stated that any team leading by 40 or more points after the 3rd quarter would automatically win. In an effort to make the game more exciting and “let the kids blow off some steam” the [...]

A roving gang of semi-sentient sasquatches have infiltrated a local high school field.  In order to disguise themselves, they play semi-professional football and call themselves the Missoula Phoenix.  To date, no one but this author has discovered their sinister plot.  Their ferocity and sheer disregard for the average human being’s well-being seem to signify it [...]

Several weeks after imposing a penalty on “fleeting expletives” the FCC tried to further its control over the television airwaves by imposing a 3-second time limit on the word “goal” whenever it is said by soccer announcers for Telemundo or other Mexican television channels. “We just think that T.V. will now be a better place for [...]

Last Thursday, while preparing for her freshman classes poetry unit first-year English professor Dr. Laura Hamill’s head spontaneously combusted and then exploded. The only thing that was found near her was a copy of the lyrics to Soulja Boy’s “Crank That”. “This is an unfortunate incident and I am personally putting out a warning to [...]

We hope you enjoy our first print issue.  Find them at our advertisers (Rockin Rudy’s, Fox Club, Shakespeare and Co, Grizzly Liquor, Silver Dollar, the Dark Room, Broncs Grocery, Grant Creek Veterinary, and Twite Realty), in coffee shops, bars, restaurants, downtown, at the U of M (dorms and UC), and other super cool places.

In southern Louisiana last weekend grand dragon of the KKK Edward Norton assaulted Stephen Hawking midway through his speech.  Mr. Hawking had mention the possibility of a substance known as dark matter existing in our universe. This caused several bar fights and possible civil unrest in the south not seen since the last time someone said [...]

Coldstone Creamery has always been innovative.  They start by using high quality ingredients and end with their signature process for preparing tasty creations on a frozen granite stone.  Like their website boasts: “Ice cream for breakfast, a smoothie for lunch, and a sensible cake for dinner? – Who says you can’t eat this amazing ice cream for [...]

Earlier this month the world was shocked as Japan was hit by a 9.0 magnitude earthquake sending radioactive material in a whirlwind of terror comparable to the quick and painless (to Americans) ending of the second world war. This earthquake could have been blamed on Japans’ overpopulation. The earth was getting a cramp and had [...]

Six Montana residents and their vehicle were recently apprehended by law enforcement authorities in Western PA.  The officer responding to the scene described it as “like the movie Red Dawn gone way overboard.  I’ve never seen so much firepower!”  Confiscated from the 1977 F150 were six 10-gauge shotguns, three .45 caliber pistols, two Desert Eagles, [...]

It is clear that the permanent resident alien person holding the office of the President is ignoring the single most important issue to the citizens of the United States:  the economy.  Therefore the Republican-appointed finance committee has examined the historical pattern of GDP growth and come to some interesting conclusions.  Their research was based on a [...]

One of Missoula’s defining trademarks is its dog-friendly environment. An abundance of labs and Aussies chase after frisbies on UM campus. Coffee-shop frequenters have their goldens’ leashes tied around bistro tables up and down Higgins Avenue while they sip on soy chai lattes. A local company is even dedicated to taking man’s best friend on [...]

Missoula has set its sights on hosting the 13th Annual International Sex Bondage Accessory Convention taking place next year.  This prestigious conference, which attracts over 2,000 delegates at the formal event and a further 700 people at parallel events would be a major event for Missoula and the entire State of Montana.  The last AISB [...]

Let’s be honest, most of our friends and family would not make the cut in a zombie uprising. It is important to be ready for the possibility of an all out attack propagated by the hordes of the undead. Let’s say, for example, that the zombies do actually attack. How do you know you will [...]

Alberton, Mont.  – When people drive on Interstate 90, west from Missoula to Mineral County, they do so risking their lives, fearing that their vehicles will be swallowed by the craters in the road which city officials like to call “potholes.” A road sign on Interstate 90 warns travelers of the homeless ahead.   Eran [...]

 The influx of transients into downtown Missoula has had an unforeseen impact on business according to local shopkeeper Mike Franco, owner of Zootown Market. “I simply can’t keep any forties on the rack” explains Franco, who sold a record $5,500 in malt liquor in the month of November. “It’s disgusting. It used to be decent office [...]

(photo courtesy of Paul O’ Roid)  According to the Missoula Transportation Department, a giant robotic aberration of unknown origin grappled with a Mountain Line public transit bus early on Tuesday, December 27th at approximately 7:46 a.m. on South Higgins Avenue, minutes before daylight. There were no fatalities; however several passengers sustained minimal injuries and were [...]

Frenchtown is a bizarre name for a rural Montana community.  Travelers whizzing past on I-90 furl their brows in confusion on a daily basis.  Are there a bunch of baguette-gnawing Messieurs and Mesdemoiselles dancing ballet and riding penny-farthings to and fro Frenchtown pond?  Or perhaps there is une petite fille chain-smoking Gitanes cigarettes and drinking [...]

If there is one thing that the federal government’s ban on the use of marijuana has done to the “stoner” community it is the strengthening of their skills in communication. Whether it be from the couch or on their way to the fast food restaurant of their choice (preferably one that is open late), “stoners” [...]

The Missoula Police Department responded to a battery call on Thursday afternoon in an incident that landed three people in jail after a fight between a Wal-Mart Greeter and two Hippies broke out in the breezeway of the retail store on Reserve Street. “This is becoming more and more common,” said Missoula Detective Bob Loewen. [...]

A recent poll by Lonely Planet ranked the Garden City dead last among Montana cities in Interstate curb appeal.  We caught up to John Kerouac, who is a contributing writer to Lonely Planet and the author of the recent best-seller The Silver RV Tsunami:  American Roadways.  “Yeah, I remember Missoula.  So, from West to East you got [...]

  Missoulians rejoiced late Tuesday, 12/14/10, as her German sister city, Neckargemund, arrived to free the residents of their tyrannical capitalistic bonds.  “Everysing is in ordah,” declared the temporary military ruler, Arnold Schwarzenegger.  “Az my first decree I invite Mr. Hollywood, Quentin Tarantino, to visit me.  I am a huge fan.  I vould like to [...]

Dear Coach,             As a die-hard Griz fan I would like to thank you for your work with our program.  Many people are saying that you took us from first to worst, that you single-handedly ruined a top ranked football team, and that you crushed the hearts of countless Montanans.  What a load of BS!  [...]

Montana’s Governor Brian Schweitzer recently returned from a long hunting trip in Alaska.  When presented with the November election results, the Governor shook his head sullenly.  He motioned in his entire staff and then closed his office door.  Next he inserted the movie Braveheart into his VCR and proceeded to personally drink a full cube of Natty Ice.  As a result Montana will be [...]

The “Caras Park Dancers” are a fixture for any outdoor Missoula event featuring live music.  Their most common haunts are the Missoula’s Out to Lunch and Farmers’ Markets.  These recycled hippies are famous for their short shorts, tie dyed clothing, and outrageous dance moves.  The energetic couple has been known to “soul throw” for hours [...]

In light of the recent restaurant closings of Muralt’s and Finnegan’s, Missoula’s economic Tzar would like to recant his economic denial about a double-dip recession. “So?!  I was trying to paint a rosy picture. It’s called consumer ‘confidence’ for a reason, you guys. What was I going to say: ‘Buy guns and ammo! We’re all fucked!’?” [...]

David Lipson, owner of Paws Up Ranch, is pissing off Montanans again. He lost a bid to trademark “Last Best Place” which we all know is Montana’s public slogan. According to the US Patent Office Lipson has recently submitted trademark requests on the following phrases: Montana, Big Sky Country, huntin and fishin, the Good Life, [...]

“The very notion of being a target for a terrorist attack has caused Missoula international airport to tighten up security,” Says chief terrorist advisor Pippy Longfellow in a recent interview. “Our goal is to make flying as safe as possible.” While other airports are using outdated techniques to stop the baddies, Missoula international airport will [...]

Missoulians have been rejoicing in the streets since the famed restaurant opened on October 10th in Missoula.  Not since the Hooters on North Reserve opened has there been this much excitement over a restaurant opening.  Local manager Tim O’ Reilly was recently quoted:  “The response has been kind of underwhelming actually.  Our marketing research predicted [...]

Local military Intel has resulted in a defensive bunker to the West end of Missoula.  “There were several reasons why this location was ideal,” said Master Chief Schwarzenheimer.  “For one, those feisty Frenchtown folk are always causing trouble.  So it was only natural that an outpost would be there to suppress an uprising.  Secondly, and more importantly, [...]

Ninemile, Mont. – Sick and tired of being sick and tired, a pack of Ninemile grey wolves called a press conference Friday morning in order to let the public know just how they feel. “I, myself, have eaten many animals I wasn’t supposed to,” said Thomas Wolf, leader of the Ninemile pack. “I’m a fucking [...]

A recent law suit has been deemed “oddly winnable” by Supreme Court Justice Scalia. The plaintiff Wal-Mart is filing a class-action lawsuit against approximately 180 million Americans. The charge: spending less than 30% of their net incomes on Wal-Mart goods and services. “Wal-Mart is using a version of the Wookie Defense,” summed up Justice Scalia. [...]

    The mayor unveiled a radical proposal to stimulate the local economy at a hastily assembled press conference at the Missoula Club bar early Wednesday morning. Calling his plan “Boozenomics 2012”, he outlined how a strategy to maximize the blood alcohol content of the average Missoulian will result in higher consumer confidence and boost the profits [...]

American English is suffering these days.  Poor grammar, smaller vocabularies, and rampant spelling mistakes are common-day as we rely more and more on technology.  Document spell checks automatically correct whatever brainless blunders a person writes. Additionally, chat rooms and texting seem to encourage shorter, simpler words that allow the user a faster way of communicating [...]

On the weekends, Santa Clause can be found in just about any mall in America.  But even with millions of greedy little children, immature teenagers and the occasional spoiled dog, this single mall job just isn’t cutting it for good old St. Nick’s wallet.  He has resorted to working as a parking-lot attendant at minimum [...]

“Not a good time to discuss a contract extension” the Coach thought to himself while construction crews finished up on Mount Sentinel. 

Two Missoula nonprofits, the Homeless and Animal Shelters, announced today that they will be merging.  Executive Director Allison Hilgers told us:  “It was a merger of necessity.  We were simply underfunded and running out of space.  We looked at several different alternatives.  The first was adopt-a-homeless-person.  It was going to be like an exchange program [...]

The 2011 Montana legislature has passed a new bill that will outlaw the sale of alcohol.  Researchers proved that this action would have two effects.  First, it would reduce the DUI-related injuries and deaths that have plagued our road systems.  And secondly, it would reduce unemployment as Bootlegging would become the dominant industry.

“What are they using to maintain the streets… a Zamboni?!” Yes, actually they are. The City of Missoula’s DOT announced that they have deployed a small fleet of zambonis for road maintenance during this icy holiday season. We caught up with DOT head John Timlin to figure out why the city streets were an icy [...]

Kalispell — State Sen. Greg Barkus was sentenced to 14 -hours of community service on Friday morning, one day after pleading no contest to felony criminal endangerment for an event he told the court was “pretty God damn fun.”  “Listen,” said Barkus, before sentencing, “there is no better way to spend the day that getting [...]

The founder of WikiLeaks, Julian Assange, was recently contaced by Jabberwocky News. We were looking for dirt on our print media competition for the Missoula market. “I’ve got stuff that will make the big 3 [Missoulian, Independent and Kaiman] quiver,” Assange told us. “I’m talking Enron-like tactics. Those guys have had the boring shackles on [...]

I thought all of Missoula’s black people played for the Griz or worked at DirecTV.

You will need a big fat sharpie to make some corrections to next year’s calendar and tonight’s sparkly cardboard top hats.  Due to a recent discovery by the University of Montana’s history department, the year 2011 will be skipped.  Tonight at midnight, 2012 will instead light up Time’s Square.  A group of graduate students at [...]